I recently came back to Norwich after being away for one year. The good old Norwich, my English home during my PhD. Below a non-exhaustive list of the things I learned after having lived here. You know, that kind of things that make England, or at least Norwich, ever so English.
(perdón por la falta de traducción al español, ando apurada, ya será a la vuelta).
1. Making
a “V” with your index and middle finger and showing it to someone with the back
of your hand facing them, (which is basically what you would do if you wanted
to say “two” using your fingers) is the equivalent to the middle-finger-signal
popularly made in the rest of the world to say fuck off.
2. When
asking for two beers, you should not make a “V” with your index and middle
finger and showing it to someone with the back of your hand.
3. The
two finders “V” signal is an historical leftover of wartime with France back in
the days when people killed each other with arrows.
4. Marmite
is the French word for a sort of casserole pot.
5. There
is a drawing of a marmite in the jars of Marmite.
6. Marmite
is a sort of ultrasalty food paste made from yeast extract.
7. You
either hate or love marmite.
8. I
love marmite.
9. People
who gets married in England start booking and sending invitations at least one
year in advance.
10. Floor may
be slippery, just to let you know.
11. There may
be a gap between the train and the platform (often there isn’t).
12. Mind the
gap (even if there isn’t).
13. Train
ticket prices get more expensive closer to the date of travel.
14. Train
ticket prices have massive standard deviations depending on the time of travel
within a single day.
15. Train
ticket prices may change stochastically.
16. Book in
advance.
17. Train
tickets are not only “a ticket” but several pieces of paper. You need them all
to travel. And one of them is necessary to get out of the station once you get
to your destination. Do not lose it.
18. A
two-hours-train counts as far from London.
19. It can
take you two hours to cross London.
20. It takes
around two and a half hours to get to Gatwick airport in a train departing from
Norwich, but traveling by coach can take you up to six hours.
21. Norwich-Gatwick
coaches stop in every tiny town of Norfolk.
22. There are
many tiny tows in Norfolk.
23. What makes
a city a city is not population size, but whether it has a cathedral or not.
24. Norwich
has a cathedral, and it is a fine city.
25. Norwich
once was more important than London.
26. There used
to be lots of endogamy in Norfolk.
27. NN stands
for Normal for Norfolk.
28. When you
want to unlock your bike, but you forgot your keys in the office, but then when
you come back with them in hand you accidentally drop them, but then you drop
them again and then you struggle to open the lock…. when you do all that it is
said that you are faffing.
29. Cool
things are wicked.
30. Wicked is
a global musical phenomenon that seems
always to be playing in London.
31. It’s bollocks, not bullocks.
32. You are right is the equivalent to hello if you stumble with someone in the
corridor.
33. Not too bad is the answer to how are you? no matter if your dog died
or if you just won the Nobel prize.
34. I’m sorry and sorry ranked first and second in the most heard phrases of the
corridor next to my office.
35. There is
no such a thing as “the” British accent.
36. Birmingham
accent is the less British of the British accents.
37. Pub quiz
is serious business, very serious business.
38. Don’t join
your friend’s team for pub quiz night if you are not sure how much English pop
culture and music you know. Actually don’t join them even if you think you know
lots.
39. Happy eggs
are free range eggs.
40. Baker
street exists.
41. There is
no good pub in a town. There are always many and you should visit them all.
42. A pint is 568.261485
ml of beer, ale or milk.
43. A pint of
beer or ale is a nice large glass, a pint of milk is a bottle.
44. You can
ask for half a pint and get to try more kinds of beers and ales.
45. There are
many kinds of beers and ales.
46. Beers and
ales are served at room temperature. It’s wrong to wish they were cold.
47. Pub
carpets tend to be sticky and smell funny. Apparently, people only realized
this when smoking indoors became banned.
48. Many pubs
have no carpets anymore.
49. If you
watch a football match in a pub, there would be small pint symbol on the right
corner. This is not remind you that your pint is about to be empty thus
inciting you to drink more, it just means that they pay a sort of special tax
to be able to show the game in a pub.
50. Rugby is a
game for hooligans played by gentlemen and football a game for gentlemen played
by hooligans.
51. An evening
watching football does not necessarily mean watching players hit the ball,
scoring goals and you know, the exciting stuff. It could also mean watching
Jeff and a bunch of stats on screen.
52. Friends
can gather and enjoy watching Jeff. I missed the football.
53. At some
point of the year cricket will happen and it will last.
54. England is
in the United Kingdom, which is not the same than Great Britain. The British
Isles include the United Kingdom, Ireland and the Isle of Man, but not all of
the Crown dependencies.
55. The
previous point can be better explained with a Venn diagram.
56. You get
your visa from the British Council, I’m still not sure which countries of point
54 that represents.
57. The Queen
of England is also the Queen of Canada and Australia.
58. England
has nice birds.
59. British
passports have bird pictures on them. I like that.
60. English
people tend to like birds.
61. Birders
love watching birds.
62. People
drive on the left and the plugs are different (and huge). You knew all that.
But no one ever told you that in England the pepper shaker has three holes and
the salt shaker one.
63. People
will offer you a cup of tea.
64. It is nice
to have a cup of tea.
65. Kettles
and stoves are equally important kitchenware equipment.
66. You can
have a scone with your tea.
67. A scone is
a kind of thick single-serving cake that is eaten with jam and clotted cream.
68. Whether
jam or clotted cream should be spread first can be a subject of intense debate.
69. If unsure
if you should spread jam or clotted cream first do as the ones surrounding you
do. If there is an argument about how to do it take no side.
70. Crisps can
be flavored. Actually most crisp are. Shrimp, vinegar and salt, cheddar cheese
& bacon are but a few examples. Yes, it is weird.
71. You can
have a BBQ under the rain, literally.
72. Food at
restaurants is not particularly amazing and tends to be very expensive. But oh,
pub food is a different story.
73. You should
have dinner in a pub.
74. The
stereotype about rainy grey long weeks is a fact, but sunny days do happen (and
they will be an important conversation topic).
75. English
trains are not prepared for snow.
76. Roads and
buses are not prepared for snow.
77. Airports
are not prepared for snow.
78. People
complains a lot when it snows.
79. In may experience,
it snows every winter.
80. The last
Monday of August is a bank holiday in an attempt to extend the summer.
81. People
assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually*
from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of
wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
